A Response to Common Paddle Talk

September 8, 2022
By Andrew Miles

Andrew Miles is the Head Racquets Professional at Chester Valley Golf Club.
He is currently ranked in the top 200 and was featured on the back cover of Platform Tennis Magazine for the last two years.
When he’s not playing paddle, he’s thinking about playing paddle.

For your paddle humor needs, follow him on Instagram @doyouevenpaddle.

It finally feels like paddle weather!
All weather is paddle weather if you’re a true diehard.

I didn’t see a ball the entire match because they picked on my partner.
Hit better crosscourt lobs,

It’s freezing out! Let’s turn on the heaters.
Now you’re just wasting precious propane.

How’d we lose to those overweight, non-athletic guys with holes in their shoes?
Oh I don’t know…maybe because they were more consistent, patient, disciplined, calm, and had better shot selection and some semblance of a lob.

My 27.8 rating is just not accurate. I should really be a 26.4.
Yes…you and everyone else who has ever played the game of paddle.

Good idea! (After an unforced error)
That was a terrible decision. I should have never attempted that shot.

Save that one! (After a net cord serve winner)
That was funny the first 578 times I heard it.

Alright, here we go! (When trying to climb out of a deficit)
Where are we going exactly? Some place to find ourselves a better game plan? At this rate, the only place we’re going is the consolation reprieve round.

I bet it felt good though…am I right? (After you overhit a drive into back screen)
No, that actually felt god-awful.

You’ve got time!
I’m pretty sure I don’t…

What’s the score? (As you’re in the middle of retrieving the ball)
You’ll know the score in about five seconds since I’ve been calling it out every time I step up to the line.

How far out was that serve? Just curious.
It was out…that’s all you need to know.

The sun glare is brutal!
Yes, the sun is bright and Jos. A. Bank is having another sale. Tell me something I don’t know.

Let’s mix it up and switch partners after each practice set.
You know damn well you’re going to “run it back” after a tight first set.

What balls are we playing with?
You can’t be picky about balls if you haven’t yet mastered a simple, backhand volley ready position.

How tight are the screens over at Worthington Hills Country Club?
Don’t even worry about it.

That lob is definitely in if it was 10 degrees cooler!
I’m pretty sure that lob would have been out in all conditions. If I had gotten two more hours of sleep, skipped that third gin and tonic, put on a fresh overgrip, and updated Adobe, all my first volleys would have been. So it all balances out.

Honey…you have way too many quarter-zips. When was the last time you wore the 2014 Mixed MAPTA zip?
If you get your own shoe closet, I get my own quarter-zip closet.

Play well and have fun guys!
Translation: I hope you play terribly and contemplate retirement afterwards because I’m about to crush your soul.

Please leave the hut in the same condition as you found it.
What if the condition you found it in looked like the aftermath of a Charlie Sheen bachelor party in Cancun?

Photo Credits: Calderwood Digital